Toddler Identity Crisis.

I nanny part-time.  But I don't pick the kids up from school, or drive them around anywhere.  And I'm only there when they get home, until dinner. And their Mom is usually home, but she runs her own business.  Okay, so I'm a freaking babysitter, alright.  I am in my mid-to-late-twenties and I babysit.  But I get paid well.

Now, the youngest one, 3 1/2 years old, he is really into garbage.  Like REALLY into it. No, not the actual, real trash in the garbage can, but... well, okay, yes, yes the actual trash in the actual garbage can, but he doesn't reach in and play with it, 'cause that is disgusting and as the "nanny/too-old-to-be-babysitting-babysitter" I would never let him do that, BUT he is FASCINATED with trash trucks and garbage cans.  He has about fifty tiny trash cans, in all the appropriate colors; green(for yard debris, duh), black(for old food and gross stuff like puppy-poo), blue(for recycling, duh again).  And dumpsters(for...big stuff, like rowing machines, I don't know).  Along with the trash cans, he also has about twenty trash trucks.  This kid can literally entertain himself for hours by setting up the rows of cans, and pretending to pick them up and empty the trash into the trucks.  Over and over again.  I'm not kidding.  When he enthusiastically asks me to play with him, it means I just watch him do this.  For a long time.  And when I try to pick up the cans myself, I get in trouble, because I don't do it right.  And if you EVER mess up his rows, HE WILL KNOW!  And he will not be happy about it.  I read once that childhood obsession with organizing and arranging things in rows, and certain orders/patterns, is a sign of intelligence.  Like genius stuff.  So, he's probably a crazy genius and more intelligent at 3 years old, than I will ever be.

I'm not going to use his real name, but the little one WAS given a REAL NAME by his parents.  However, for the past year and a half, he has insisted on being called different names.  First it was "Little Don" the trash truck driver.  Then it was "Soapy", which I have no idea where that came from.  And now it is "Nicey, the Mommy garbage truck".  Yep.  You think it ends with the name?  You are very wrong.  He does not answer to his real name, anymore.  If you call him by his real name, you are in for a real treat.  And by "real treat" I mean a fit of repetition that is almost enough to drive you clinically insane, "I'm Nicey!  I'm Nicey the Mommy garbage truck!  I'm Nicey!"  It's amazing.  Alright, so there is this name thing....but it doesn't end there.  He IS a garbage truck, so if you call him a boy, he gets upset.  If you refer to his eyes, he gets upset "I don't have eyes!  I have blinking lights!  They're not eyes!  They're my blinking lights!"  If you refer to his feet, uh oh "I don't have FEET!  I have WHEELS!"  His hands?  "They're not hands, they're GARBAGE TRUCK ARMS!" And if you mention his clothes, any of them, he gets REALLY upset and reminds you "No!  I'm not a boy!  I don't wear clothes!  I'm Nicey the Mommy garbage truck and I have COVERS!"  Oh yeah, and his nose is his "machine" and his mouth is his "hopper" where he chops up the "trash."  His food is "trash" btw.  Get it RIGHT!  Jesus.

Gym, you're awkward.

Here's the deal...I live in a rather large apartment community that has a lovely, smallish gym, equipped with enough cardio, and some weight stuff. I call it "weight stuff" because I don't "do weights."  I should "do weights," because my arms have the strength of a feeble cat, but I don't. ANYWAY, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, etiquette in the gym. People are weird. People are SO WEIRD! Okay, so when I go in the gym and no one is there, liiiiike, I'm alone...as in THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ROOM, I will take the channel changer and keep it on my treadmill, so whoever comes in next, knows I am watching the TV. Easy enough. I would never ask someone to change the channel, if they were clearly there before me and obviously watching something. If they happen to come in after me, well they just have to deal with the fact I'm watching "Real Housewives of Atlanta" or "Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta" or "Little People" or "E! News" or maybe even some "House Hunters International". If they're lucky. Sure, I recognize that not everyone likes these shows, but that's too bad. I got here first. Poo-poo on you. You can have the changer when I am finished. Seems fair, right? First come, first serve. Simple. Fair. Done. But nooooooo, NOT DONE! Sometimes, I will get asked "Are you watching this?" In which case I will smile and say "Yes." The conversation ends there...usually. Unless the person asking me this is an unstable, anorexic, self-absorbed, socially inappropriate BIOTCH!

 Ooooookay, so this one time I was minding my business, running along, and this woman comes in, stands behind my treadmill, and I can see her in the mirror looking at the TV and I can sense her frustration with the fact I have the channel changer. So, I wait for the passive aggressive "Oh, are you...are you watching this?" Which happens. And I answer "Yes, I am." Does it end there? Oooohh, nooooo. She stands by my machine, almost in shock that I did not give in to her passive aggressive attempt at taking control of the TV. I can almost see steam coming out of her ears. She's going to try again. This lady is going to try again?!

*Perhaps I should mention this was during the Olympics. And yes, a lot of people want to watch the Olympics. I, however, happened to be heavily engrossed in the E! True Hollywood Story of Hugh Hefner, as was the woman running on the machine next to mine. Moving on...

This biotch lady then approaches me and says "Well, can I switch to the Olympics?" WTF?! I JUST TOLD YOU I WAS WATCHING THE TV! YOU CAN HAVE IT WHEN I'M DONE! SERIOUSLY?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?! I didn't want to get into a fight about it, so I just(maaaaybe with more than a bit of attitude) said "Uh, sure. Yeah, you can watch whatever you want." And handed over the channel changer. The woman on the machine next to me had my back. She leaned over and whispered to me"You know what I do? I just say 'You can have it when I'm done.' That'll do it." Damn. I totally should have said that. Next time! NEXT TIME!

*And then she turned it to the Olympics and it was CURLING! Who watches curling?!

Riveting.

TragiSLIM! And TragiSLIM Outtakes! BAM!

TragiSLIM!


TragiSLIM Outtakes!

I know. I need to update.

Sorry, but I was on vacation for ten days and it was AWESOME!

My cousin got married and it was beautiful.  Nothing sarcastic to say about it.

I got to wear an awesome, vintage dress that fit like a glove.  And whoa.  There was no 2% spandex in clothes back then.  Yeeeeeeah...

I did a circuit workout class with one of my best friends from college, and it was INSANE!  The trainer was pretty hot,  but I walked like I was about to give birth, for the next two days.

Got to see some ridiculously cute babies.  But managed to avoid changing any diapers.  And come on, we all know baby poop is really bad.  Like REALLY bad.

K, this isn't really funny and I am tired.  So I'll think of something tomorrow.

PEACE OUT!

Mo

I like it when people say messed up stuff to me.

I was in a cab in NYC, headed home after a long evening out with friends.  I was exhausted and practically asleep, in the backseat.  When we got to my apartment, the cabby turned around, gave me a huge smile(which is never a good sign) and said the following to me:

"You have a nice, BIG, Indian nose!"

And to correct him, it is not an Indian nose, it is simply "A nice, big, American schnoz."   And it should also be noted, all I really took from this "compliment" was the fact in his country I might be considered a near goddess, with this fantastic profile, but where I'm from?  I'm just a white girl with a big nose.  And no, my sense of smell is not heightened.

Look, I Made an Outfit!

*Top and skirt at ModCloth.com

*Earrings, bracelet and shoes from Anthropologie.com

More Tweets from Mo...

-I LOVE getting Viagra emails!!!!!!

-Oh wow. This Barefoot Zinfandel is...not good

-When I drink caffeine free Diet Coke, I have the most INSANE dreams. Liiiiike a baby telling me "Leave me the f*ck alone, I'm sleeping."

-I love pork buns.

-Goddamn Sit n Sleep commercial, with all the dust mite talk really ruined my dinner. Come ON!

-I'm totally getting smog tested tomorrow. That's hot.

-Omg I totally forgot to mention I had a dream I was a cast member on The Jersey Shore! It was crazy. I didn't have a tan, though.

1. -I love taking a shower, but I can't stand getting out of it.3:52 PM Sep 13th via web-I'm Tweeting from inside my shower right now.September 13, 2010 4:53:08 PM PDT via web
   -No, I'm not. Just kidding. That would be ruin my computer. And my phone.
   September 13, 2010 4:53:56 PM PDT via web